My hair is a mess.

Randomly Pimping; Just One Look, where I hope to be a contributor.

Um….

Caesar: *whines*

Me: “Why are you so upset? Do you have a problem?”

Caesar: “Uh huh.”

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Caesar: “Uh huh.”

Me: “Okay, what is it that you want?”

Caesar: “Ummmmmmmm… Cereal!”

Me: “Cereal?”

Caesar: “Uh huh!!”

Me: “Okay, let’s get you some cereal!”

I gather all of the boxes of cereal, except for one- the Cocoa Puffs.

Me: “Okay, BaBa. Which one do you want?”

Caesar: *glares around the kitchen, stops for a moment to ponder* “Where the Cocoa Puffs, go, Mommy?”

 

Busted.

{I like long titles}

No vlog right now because one; I promised myself that I would get some more tags done for my Yucky Love Stuff theme- I have to replace a few that I just lost due to an issue with characters being too similar {I didn’t do it, swear!} And two; because, well damn it. I have a lot to say and I’d feel terrible if after 500 attempts, an a three hour long upload that you had to sit and wait ten minutes for me to talk about nothing.

I am going to rush through this;

1: Allie did not make it past auditions. She’s bummed, and she’s questioning following her dream of singing now, which bums me out. I think if next year- instead of hopping a bus on a whim, if she practices- she’ll make it.

I have agreed with myself {it takes great effort to deal with my sister}, to help her- if she wants my help. I’m no pro, but I have more “technical” knowledge than she does. I don’t want her to give up on this. She is talented.

She’s on her way home now, but she told my mom that American Idol really is just looking for someone with commercial appeal, which is what the typical “I didn’t make auditions” rant is, but I believe it.

2: Christian and I- we’re good. Not together, not getting back together, but we are good. I asked that one burning question, and there was a huge no- now, because I’m a chick I did analyze the “no”. It wasn’t huge enough to make me suspicious, there was no “how dare you even suspect!” type of gasp that pretty much always signifies guilt. He didn’t laugh, crack a joke, smile or otherwise. His ears didn’t turn red, there was no reason to make me question his answer.

He reminded me that it wasn’t about someone else, it wasn’t even about me, it was him- he needed to do some soul searching, he needed to figure out what was making him miserable and it was being in a relationship. Not the commitment of the relationship, just the relationship aspect of a relationship. {No, trust me, it made sense when he said it} He loves me, he is still willing to do what he can for me in the meantime, he will always take care of the kids- of which I had no doubt, he was upset at my suggestion that Samara was no longer one of his children {which was not a suggestion per se, yet a regrettable snarky slip of tongue. I kick myself.} and we joked about who would get the KY Yours + Mine stuff that we still have not actually used.

He said he didn’t want us to go bad, aside from our friendship- we now have children and there was more at stake, more to completely destroy- he didn’t want to risk sticking around and doing something to hurt all of us because of his unhappiness. I thanked him for that. He apologized for breaking my heart… again, and he said that he doesn’t want this to be the end of what we share, no one would appreciate what we were about to do {number three in this entry} more than me, and he feared losing that connection. And he told me to stop being a dick. I said I’d try- but honestly, after that initial “No” I felt much less angry, apprehensive and scared, and the visions of me pummeling him with a baseball bat finally stopped.

Oh, and I get the movies, I called dibs on “The Ex” in black, as well as the awesome dish set. He gets our complete collection of Y: The Last Man novels.

3: The Dark Knight- I will not spoil it for you, but if you have not seen it, I want you to stop reading this crap and go- NOW. Buy yourself some tickets, if you have to stand in line, it’s worth it! Do it! If you don’t have a babysitter I will loan you some duct tape, take the kids with you!!! This will be here when you get back, which will be sooner than you think because it was such a good movie you won’t even notice how long you were sitting. Go!!!

If you’re not a Batman fan. My heart bleeds peanut butter for you and you must leave and never return. {I kid about the leaving, I love you!}

If you were one of the awesome people who saw the movie- *swoon*.

I have to confess a couple of things that will likely make me look like a terrible person- when I first found out that Heath Ledger was playing my favorite villain, I shat on myself. I was certain that I’d heard wrong, because they could NOT have made such a big casting error. Heath Ledger? Eh.

Before his death, I had seen a few snippets, heard a great many different opinions, and I had accepted and embraced Ledger as The Joker. When he died, my first thought was “Wow. That really blows. I sure hope they wrapped production.” Yes, I’m a dick, I know. :/

Last night, we got there a couple of hours early, we stood in a long ass line. We laughed at the people in costume, joked about how totally uncoordinated I was, in my Harry Potter shirt, and I cried over the most super duper looking Joker shoes I have ever seen in my entire life!

Now, in case I haven’t already mentioned a million times, this was my first time watching an IMAX movie.

I was not at all disappointed!!! We started the movie a couple of minutes beforehand to “beat those Cinerama guys” and the second something popped onto the HUMONGOUS screen, I shed a tear- I just couldn’t hold in how damn anxious I was!!! The Joker, Batman, The Joker, Christian, IMAX, The Joker. It was all too much.

The movie begins, the moment Ledger appears on screen some dude shouts “Rest in peace, man!!” and everyone clapped.

The movie was fantastic! Ledger as The Joker- phenomenal! I truly don’t think that I could read even the comic and not think of him as The Joker. My only beef with the movie was that I think it would have captured more of The Joker’s inhumanity and insanity, if it were rated R. But I get it, I’m not the only kid watching. Though- there were some parts, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with my 13 year old watching either.

For me, and even if I’m watching Harry Potter {Christian agreed he’d take me to see HPATHBP- they showed not a trailer, but just an “ad” for it in the theater and I damn near stood up and made my nerd known.} there is a point in every movie where I consider how long I have left until the movie is done- it has gone slow and I’m ready to break out. I did not experience that for even a second with The Dark Knight.

Everyone else in the movie was great- I preferred Maggie Gyllenhaal, over Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawes, but I’m not a Holmes fan. So that’s a personal bias. I like the cast, good cast. But Ledger… took it for me. I’ve stated, that if they make another movie and introduce someone elseas The Joker, I will handcuff myself to the production crew and yell out random obscenities as they film as a form of protest. I’m, for only the second time, completely saddened by a celebrity death. {Not that celebrities aren’t people, it’s just that- I don’t know them, and haven’t grown close to them like that.}

I know some expert with two thumbs will probably tell you different, but from a semi fanatical fanboygirl- it was delicious!

Honu has spent all day pumping his fist in the air, crying out “I’m the bat!!” because Christian and I talked about the movie all morning long. Mac laughed at him. Laughed.

*sigh* It’s really not that bad, this life stuff. It’s just annoying sometimes.

I’ll try to vlog later on, and I have decided that I’ll definitely answer “Ask Me Anything” questions by vlog as well, why not, eh? Now, I’m just waiting for questions. *tap, tap, tap*

UGH!! I hate vlogging, damn vlogging, screw vlogging!

I can never get the volume setting correct, so you probably can’t understand me, but here it is anyway. Ugh.

On Monday, I revised my goal list. I won’t go into detail, because it’s hella long, but to reflect the humongous change in my life- I wanted to stay optimistic.

There was once a time, when the slightest thing could go wrong and my entire world would crumble. I’d call my mother, sobbing, and tell her the worst possible thing occurred;

We are OUT of macaroni! OUT!! Of macaroni!!! How the hell am I supposed to make dinner without this key side dish?

I. NEED. SWEET. CHEESY. GOODNESS!

And, I am sadly not exaggerating. If I had plans and those plans went awry- it was similar to the time I found my runaway kitten, Diamond, dead on the side of the road. I immediately cried, told anyone who would {and wouldn’t} listen, and I couldn’t get over it for weeks.

Dramatic, much?

Now that I’m just a little bit older, I have spent the last couple of years learning a new coping mechanism;

Looking for the silver lining.

And it has helped. 

When we were still just starting out and Christian had just become supervisor at his job. People would call at all hours saying they couldn’t come in, and Christian would pick up the shift, or he’d end up with a situation right as he was leaving and he’d have to file papers and would come home an hour late- I was livid. After his infamous 23 hour work day, I was so pissed off I scrubbed the entire place. I took my magic eraser to the kitchen floor, inhaled scrubbing bubbles fumes as I sat in the bathtub to clean it, and my fingers burned from the bleach I used to attack the toilet. I was pregnant with Caesar at the time, and I was so worried and so upset that Christian wasn’t home, and hadn’t called, my moms had just come back from Texas and were staying with us and they took Christian’s absence personally, so I dealt with that as well. All of the stress caused me to have an anxiety attack, and I literally passed out in my compulsively clean bathroom.

After I woke up, I realized something had to give. I had just put myself and Caesar in jeopardy because I didn’t know how to get a grip. I tried to think of one positive thing that could come from Christian working 23 hours; my clean house was one, money for our brand new car’s payment was another. He never worked another day like that again, I didn’t even wait for him to rest- I lit into him.

It definitely took work.

From that one time, I have consciously looked at my situations, and have tried to make the best of them. And now, it’s a habit- Something changes, I freak out for a little bit, sit down, think about it, find the good in it, move on.

I feel myself getting angrier and angrier, every time I look at a picture we’ve taken during the time he says he was unhappy- every time I think about a smile he gave me, or the hundreds of times we shared fantastic moments, and the thousands of times we’d laughed and joked around- I want to kick him in the nuts for each of those moments. I want to call him and demand answers! I want an explanation, I fucking deserve an explanation.

This gaping wound is still fresh, and there’s no better time to look to something positive. {Because it’s very likely that I will call and make an ass of myself, and not even have “I was drunk!” as an excuse.}

So here goes- the pros of breaking up and of having a home of my own;
*There is now a possibility {albeit slim} of dating a rich entrepeneur who likes kids.
*I can go to Barnes and Noble and not feel like a douchebag when I buy books. And I won’t even have to pretend to read them to make myself feel better about the purchase.
*I can decorate my bathroom in penguins or rubber ducks and no one will object.
*For housewarming presents, I am requesting ThinkGeek gift certificates; and with them I will buy this, these, these, this and these. Among MANY OTHER THINGS. And, who’s gonna stop me, who is going to make me wait only to end up not getting it? Exactly.
*All your purse are belong to me!

This is just the petty beginning of a much more important list. And I will make it, I will be fine. The thought of having a place of my own is daunting, more than anything else, but I am excited too.

There are so many great things I hope to accomplish, I’m going to continue with the Goldfish routine, I have added my own reflection day to it, and I look forward to succeeding.

In the meantime, however, a girl has to occupy her time with something.

Happy Not So Wordless, Wordless Wednesday!

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